Risking Everything
by Waiting for my Soulmate
Summary: TuckerReed slash, only a love story though. It's my first attempt at this pairing, please be gentle, r and r if you'd like. I've added a little bit
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, only the storyline.

Archive: I seriously doubt it, but if you want it, just ask

"Trip, are you humming?"

Trip Tucker started guiltily, knocking his empty cup over as he moved.

"No" he denied quickly, flushing slightly as he saw the disbelieving look in his Captain's eyes. Captain Archer was right to be sceptical, his hearing was unimpaired and the Commander had indeed been humming softly to himself.

"You were. You were _humming! _The last time I heard you do that was… back on earth, after you met that girl…Sarah?…Rachel?…? Jenna?"

"I wasn't humming!" Trip made the protest feebly, but a small smile twisted his lips as he realised that he had been caught out by his friend. He sighed, then sat back in his chair and looked up at Jonathan Archer. "Am I speaking to my commanding officer or my friend?"

Archer gave a short barking laugh, "Well I hope I can be both!" he said "why?"

"Anti-fraternisation regulations."

That stopped Archer's laughter as the implications of Tucker's statement sank in.

"You're seeing someone? A member of the crew? And you managed to keep it secret from me? How long?" Archer didn't give Trip a chance to answer his questions, which was a measure of his shock.

"Hey, gimme a chance!" Tucker's accent thickened slightly as he faced the barrage of questions. "I'm not seeing anyone, I swear to you Jon, I'm not"

The questioning look Archer gave him invited Trip to expand on his statement

"But j'st cos I'm not, doesn't mean I don't want to"

Ah, thought Archer, that explains a lot

"So, what, you've got a crush?" Trip winced slightly at the juvenile word but his lack of response told Archer that he had hit the nail on the head.

"Who is she?"

"If you don't mind Cap'n, I'd rather not talk about it; it'd only make things more…real somehow. And this time I've really picked 'em, and there's no chance that thing's'll work out. I've just gotta get over it, in my own way. But it's nice to have someone to talk to, if it all gets too much, y'know?"

"Trip, you know you can always talk to me, we've been friends for a long time. Sure you won't give up her name though?" Jon asked the question subtly; hoping to catch Trip off guard, but the Chief Engineer was ready for such traps and deftly parried the inquiry. By the time the two friends had talked over the latest communiqué from Earth and the water polo match it had included, it was late according to the ships chronometers, set to San Francisco time. Trip walked slowly back to his quarters, turning over the conversation in his mind, wishing he could have confided more in his friend, to take the weight of secrecy from his own shoulders. The truth was, Trip thought to himself, that 'crush' was too light a word, that he had passed through the 'crush' stage some time ago and that now he was resigned to the fact that his feelings were not in any hurry to change.

Trip checked his computer terminal before going to bed, and found two messages waiting for him. The first was a request from one of his crew for a change from Beta shift to gamma, the second was a single line of text:

Breakfast, 0830?

Trip knew that the last message was from Malcolm Reed, the ship's armoury officer. They had been having breakfast together regularly since the fourth month of the mission, when Captain Archer had ordered them to get to know each other, in an attempt to quell the constant bickering between their respective departments. During the meals they had begun by discussing work and then, over a period of weeks, had moved on to more personal subjects. Following the incident with Shuttlepod One there had been a break in the regular arrangements. That was when the messages began to appear on Tucker's computer. He had never missed a breakfast with Malcolm since then. The same message had been materialising on his console for months, but Reed still confirmed arrangements, as if he was giving Tucker a chance to back out. Not bothering to reply to Malcolm's message, Trip changed his clothes and went to bed.

The shift the following day was uneventful, which no one on the ship was complaining about. They had had far too many action-packed days recently, and every department was glad to have a break, a chance to do some damage control, repairs and upgrades. Trip hadn't made it to the Mess Hall for lunch, so he was quite hungry by the time he made it to the evening meal. He spotted Malcolm Reed and Hoshi Sato sitting at a corner table, deep in conversation. Trip was loath to join them and interrupt; after all, the two of them had been getting pretty chummy lately. But as he was hesitating Malcolm looked up and smiled at Trip, motioning to the empty seat. Tucker moved over and set down his tray, smiling at Hoshi as he sat down, checking her reaction to the interruption. She looked fine, to his relief, and was soon discussing the relative merits of decon and spas. Trip had just finished his meal and was about to start on dessert when Hoshi excused herself and left the two men alone. Tucker and Reed spent a few moments discussing their respective days, the problems with bringing the entire crew up to speed on the new alert drills and the recalibration of the phase coils which had prevented Tucker from making it to lunch.

It was then that Tucker decided to voice his earlier concerns that he had interrupted a private moment between the armoury officer and Ensign Sato. To his surprise, Reed smiled

"Oh, no, I'm not giving you any gossip for the ship's grapevine. There is nothing going on between Hoshi and I, we're getting to be quite good friends now, even after the incident with the pineapple cake" he said, referring to the awkward moment when he had misconstrued Hoshi's questioning as a date offer.

"I think it's doing her some good to know that she's not the only one who took a while to get her space legs. That's all." This last statement was spoken quietly but forcefully, and Trip was startled in to looking up from his ice cream, right in to Malcolm's eyes. The expression was so intense that Trip almost gasped, only his mouthful of food stopped him from making a complete idiot of himself.

Malcolm seemed to realise how his last statement had sounded because he quickly began to apologise for it.

"Sorry Commander, it's just that I always feel a little protective of Hoshi, and I'd hate for anyone to be talking like that about her behind her back. Especially if they're going to be saddling her with me!" he made it a joke, to lighten the mood.

Trip smiled in response and nodded his understanding. When they left the Mess Hall a few moments later, bidding each other goodnight at the door, Trip was unaccountably happy. His engineering crew murmured to each other appreciatively about his positive attitude after a full day of repairs, never knowing the real reason for his buoyant mood.

Archer rarely saw the Chief Engineer on the Bridge but, since discovering the commander's secret the Captain found himself surreptitiously watching his friend. He saw nothing out of the ordinary, Tucker acted much as he had done throughout the mission, Tucker's behaviour was perfectly normal. And yet, there was something, indefinable to any but his best friend, which had changed in Tucker's attitude, his normal cheerful insouciance was diluted, ever so slightly. It seemed as though he was trying to maintain his former attitude, and the effort was becoming too much. Archer decided it was necessary to speak to his friend as Trip, Archer knew, was never one for keeping his emotions inside, and when forced to do so, was apt to become miserable and his work was likely to suffer. Archer wanted his friend to feel better, but as Captain, he also had to ensure that his Chief Engineer was functioning at full capacity. A distracted engineer could mean the difference between life and death on a starship. Archer moved to his ready room and sent a message to Trip's computer, rather than summon the Chief Engineer and provoke speculation, preferring to keep the chat he was planning informal in the hope of encouraging his friend to open up.

At the appointed hour Tucker stood outside the Captain's quarters, having some idea why his friend had suggested this 'get together'. He was not averse to discussing the situation with Captain Archer, in fact it was rather a relief to know that he was about to unload the secret which had burdened him for so long. He tapped on the door chime and was immediately invited to enter. Trip knew what Archer wanted to ask him, but appreciated his friend easing in to the subject, smiling easily at Jonathan. Soon enough though, Archer brought the conversation 'round to Trip's situation.

"Trip, you can tell me to butt out, but I've noticed that you've not been yourself lately. This crush has gotten to you more than you told me, hasn't it?"

Trip gave a little half smile, and nodded

"Cap'n this isn't a crush. It started out that way, but that was months ago, it won't go away, no matter how hard I tried ta make it. This is…not a good feelin'; it's like being a starving kid looking in to a cake shop window, for months. I wish I could stop feelin' like this, but he's got under my skin in a way that no one else ever has."

"Ah, Trip? Who's 'he'?"

Trip looked up at Archer, his mouth hanging open, shocked in to silence. Then, seeing that Archer wasn't kicking him out, or even looking disgusted, which was the reaction he had feared, Trip took a sip of his drink, looked his friend in the eye, and made his final confession.

He laughed self deprecatingly, as if he couldn't believe it himself

"Malcolm"

Whatever Archer had been expecting, that had not been it.

There was a few moments silence while Archer struggled to formulate an appropriate response.

"But, you don't spend time with Malcolm…and when you do, you're fighting!"

Trip looked chagrined, "I know. That's kinda my fault, a sorta pre-emptive strike. If he's not talkin' to me, he can't find me out. Dumb, isn't it? I'm the Chief Engineer on the first Warp Five starship, which brings me in to daily contact with life and death situations, and yet I'm scared to tell Malcolm how I feel about him."

Archer didn't really know how to respond to Trip's declaration, or his bleak, if accurate, summary of the situation. He didn't want to offer platitudes; Jon could see that his friend was serious about his feelings and empty, soothing; clichéd phrases would not be welcomed. The only course of action Jon felt was open to him was to be honest.

"Trip, I can't understand what you're going through, and I won't patronise you by trying. If you want to talk to me, relive the pressure sometimes, I'm here. But at the same time, as your friend, if you never want me to mention this again, that's fine too."

Trip nodded his comprehension, then changed the subject, somewhat to Archer's relief, making small talk about the state of the supplies and when the crew might reasonably expect some shore leave.

On the way back to his quarters Trip found himself going over Archer's comment in his mind. The Captain was right; he didn't spend time with Malcolm anymore. It was a defence mechanism, once he realised that his feelings for the Armoury officer were getting stronger, he tried to put some distance between them, even going so far as to provoke fights in order to ensure a few days of mutual avoidance. He had tried, he admitted to himself, but had been unsuccessful. Trip would begin with resolutions to avoid Reed, even made excuses to the man himself, but soon breakfast would roll around and Tucker would be waiting at their customary table, all intents forgotten. Breakfast would lead to other arrangements; discussions concerning ship's business, plans to join friends for movie night, anything where Tucker might be with the unsuspecting object of his affections. Trip continued to muse as he keyed in his entrance code and stepped in to his own space, trying to pinpoint the moment at which he had fallen for his friend, but it was too hard. He was head over heels before he had even realised it. Trip couldn't remember a time when he hadn't felt apprehensive when Malcolm went on Away missions to hostile planets, when he hadn't felt a pang each time the Lieutenant had returned to the ship with bruises or worse.

Tucker had been through the phase of denial, tried to convince himself that what he felt were just what he would feel for any of his friends among the crew, but he now acknowledged that Malcolm was special, one of a kind. Brave and steadfast, intensely loyal, intelligent and inventive, all qualities Trip admired, and indeed possessed, though he would never admit it. But there were also the opposite ends of their personalities, the introvert and extrovert, the rough Lieutenant and the smooth Commander, the confident and the unsure. Trip had never expected to fall for another man, but now that it had happened it was as if he had been waiting for Malcolm Reed all his life. It was exquisite torture to work alongside the man and know that there could never be anything deeper.

Resigning himself for the thousandth time to a five year mission of blissful agony, Tucker tapped his computer terminal to display any new messages, turning away as he saw one flash up. Assuming it was the customary one from Malcolm; Trip went in to the tiny bathroom and washed his face coming out ready to sleep. He glanced at the workstation, barely registering that the message displayed there was from his second in command, detailing the results of the latest diagnostic. Trip checked again, but there was no other communications. Too tired to think any longer, Trip reasoned that Malcolm had gotten his hint and would just meet him for breakfast without needing an invitation. Nodding sleepily in agreement with himself, Tucker fell in to bed, slept and dreamt.

He woke to the faint chiming of the computer's alarm, legs twisted around the covers and arm reaching to…something ill-remembered that he had been dreaming about. He showered and dressed much as usual, going through his morning routine with practiced ease. Trip left his quarters to head down to the Mess hall, recognizing crewmen along the route and greeting them absently. He arrived at the communal dining area and had his hand half raised in greeting before he realised that he was waving to an empty table. That was better than a shock of cold water in its ability to wake Tucker, who sat instead with Travis Mayweather and a couple of astrophysicists, making polite conversation until he could reasonably slip his query into the flow of talk.

"Malcolm's not in sickbay again is he?" Trip asked, jokingly. It took a great deal of self control to ask this question with a semblance of normality, but Trip was proud that he had managed it.

"No sir, I believe he's in the armoury. He was in earlier for a cup of coffee, but he didn't stay long. I think he said something about overhauling the phase cannon ports, but he was speaking quite fast, you know how he gets when talking about his guns" Travis smiled at the group. Tucker was at a loss to understand the sudden change in their standing arrangements; Reed never missed breakfast with him, no matter how enticing the guns might have been. He distractedly finished his breakfast pastry then excused himself and made his way down to the Engine room.

Two hours in to his shift Tucker had to admit that he had never realised how much he relied on his morning meetings with Malcolm to set him up for the day. Without the Lieutenant's calming influence Trip felt like something was slightly and irritatingly wrong all day. He consoled himself with the thought that he would see Reed at the senior staff meeting later that day, perhaps that would alleviate the bad mood that hung like a pall over engineering.

Tucker presented himself on the bridge at 1500 hours, moving from the turbolift behind T'Pol across to the tactical station. He had long decided not to stand so close to temptation, but absence made Trip more needful of his fix. He stood behind Malcolm's left shoulder, hoping for some acknowledgement from the Lieutenant, but none was forthcoming. Captain Archer summoned the senior staff to the 'briefing room', the small table set in to one side of the bridge. There was a planetary system on the sensors, showing both uninhabited and populated planets, perfect for a research mission from just about every Enterprise department. Archer outlined the plan for various teams to reach the surface, listening to T'Pol's analysis before asking Reed to have security staff ready to join each mission if necessary. The meeting was then dismissed and the Alpha crew returned to their stations.

Trip remained standing by the briefing table, confused. Lieutenant Reed had not spoken a word to him since his arrival on the bridge, a highly unusual occurrence. Even if it was just to pass the time of day, the two men always made a point of speaking to each other. He tried to catch Reed's eye as he left the bridge, but the armoury officer seemed curiously absorbed in his display. Tucker knew he could not confront Reed on duty but, he decided, there was nothing wrong with having it out with him after duty hours. To have missed their regular meeting was odd, but explainable, to have conscientiously avoided him on the bridge as well…that was a clear evasion and Trip wanted to know why.

By the end of his shift Trip had psyched himself up to a state of nervous anticipation, he knew that tonight he would talk to Malcolm but was afraid that he would say something he would regret. The combination of desire to have it out with Reed and the need to keep his secrets had Trip wound tightly as he made his way along the corridors to Reed's quarters. He wanted to pound on the door, disguising his emotions as anger, but stopped himself in time to press the door chime.

At Reed's answer Trip stepped in to the room, taking little note of its uncharacteristically disorganized state. A part of his brain dimly registered that what he was about to do was not a good idea, but such concerns were brushed aside as he faced Malcolm, just rising from his desk to greet his visitor. Trip stood still for a moment, trying to decide the best way to introduce his purpose. He soon realised that there was no 'best way' to begin, he had walked in to the room with no idea what he was doing and now he was _really_ regretting it. He made one last attempt to behave normally,

"You avoidin' me Malcolm?" he joked, cursing the word the moment he had said them.

"Not at all Commander" replied Malcolm, straightening in to something approximating attention.

"Then why are we back to 'Commander'? I thought you'd agreed to call me Trip when we were off duty"

"Commander, if there's no other reason for your visit; I really see no point in continuing this conversation. I _am_ rather busy, if you don't mind."

"I mind Lieutenant' Trip shot back, 'I want to know why you're avoiding me. This is a small ship and we have to work together, I will not put this crew in danger because of a communication problem! I could order you to tell me but I thought we were friends, and would want to tell me if there was something wrong."

Malcolm muttered something that Trip couldn't quite catch.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant, what was that?"

"I said, _Commander_, that we are NOT friends. It was a mistake to believe that we ever could be."

Trip looked stricken; he counted on Malcolm's friendship as his only method of maintaining contact of any sort with the man he loved. There was a world of feeling put in to his next word

"Why!"

"You know why' said Malcolm, with more than a trace of bitterness in his voice, 'you've been trying to avoid me for weeks now, and I've tried to ignore it. I force you in to spending time with me and you're too polite to say no. You have a problem with me and my feelings, I thought I could handle it, but it's clear now that I was wrong. It's too hard to keep being your friend, knowing that there can never be anything more and knowing that you hate me for loving you. Now get out, sir"

But Trip didn't, couldn't move. He took a step forward, mouth already open in shock, hand reaching forward to grab Malcolm. Reed reacted quickly, brushing aside Tucker's arm, looping it around and twisting it behind his back. Before he knew how he had got there, Trip was facing the door, a determined Malcolm Reed behind him, applying pressure to keep Trip for turning. It was an unequivocal demand to leave the Lieutenant alone, but Trip had just heard the best news of his life, and was not about to walk away from it.

"Mal, I came here to tell you…I love you. I'm in love with you. I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that, but you're not givin' me much choice here" Trip shrugged his shoulders in Malcolm's grip, which was abruptly loosened, allowing Tucker to turn around and face him.

"You aren't. You can't be. We're not right for each other. Don't…"

"Don't say we're not right for each other, the way I see it we may not be right for anyone else! I love you, I do, I've tried to stop, I thought you didn't feel like that about me. I was avoiding you because it was too hard to be around you and not be with you. Believe me Mal, I never thought I could fall this hard, but I have, and now it's out there. I'll leave if you want, give you some time to think about…everything" Trip turned away and took a deep breath, preparing himself to leave Malcolm's quarters with some dignity before returning to his own and breaking down.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, gently urging him to turn again to face the Armoury officer. Trip yielded and found himself looking down in to Malcolm's eyes,

"Trip', Tucker started slightly at the sound of his name, 'please tell me you're serious. Tell me that this is not a huge joke. Tell me you love me, cos I love you and I am willing to risk it all for you. Everything. And if you're not prepared to do the same.."

But here Malcolm was abruptly cut off as Trip, risking everything, leaned down and kissed him.

A/N "Don't say we're not right for each other, the way I see it we may not be right for anyone else" comes from a film called "The Cutting Edge", no infringement intended.

If you liked this (or even if you thought it was awful) please review and let me know, I really appreciate it. Constructive criticism only, if you please.

This is my first attempt at this pairing, so it would be helpful, only feedback will stop it being the last!


	2. epilogue

The last chapter seemed to end a bit abruptly and this last bit wouldn't leave me alone. Thank you to all who reviewed, it was very helpful and nice of you.

"_Trip', Tucker started slightly at the sound of his name, 'please tell me you're serious. Tell me that this is not a huge joke. Tell me you love me, cos I love you and I am willing to risk it all for you. Everything. And if you're not prepared to do the same.."_

_But here Malcolm was abruptly cut off as Trip, risking everything, leaned down and kissed him. _

The kiss lasted only seconds before Tucker pulled back

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that it just sorta happened" but he got no further as Malcolm brushed a tentative hand at the back of Tucker's neck, guiding him in to another soft kiss. Neither of the men wanted to push the other too far, but Trip took the initiative and deepened the kiss slowly, waiting for Malcolm to respond each time.

As they broke apart the absurdness of their position suddenly occurred to Malcolm, who stepped back and allowed Trip to move away from the door. He looked slightly uncomfortable as he lead the way further in to his quarters, indicating that Tucker should take a seat while he himself perched on the edge of his desk. Trip sat on the side of the bed, hands in his lap, also at a bit of a loss what to do next. Malcolm shifted his weight a little, clearly trying to find the best way to begin the conversation.

"Is this…real? Are we actually going to do this? The whole relationship…thing?" As he spoke Reed used a finger to loosen his collar, betraying his nerves.

Tucker looked up from his hands, eyes meeting Malcolm's without hesitation

"Yeah, actually" he said with the slightest trace of a smirk.

"Even if Starfleet forbids it? What about Captain Archer? What about.."

"The Cap'n's already said that he won't forbid shipboard relationships, we could be out here for 5 years, or more. Starfleet will listen to him; he's the only one with experience. An' even if they try to stop us, I don't care"

"Away missions, inter – departmental arguments, there are so many things that could go wrong."

"Mal, stop overanalysing this. You said you'd risk everything."

"I know…"

"Well, I can't wait for you to decide I'm worth the risk. I've never been that kind of guy, so I'm j'st gonna lay it out for you. I said I was in love with you, n' those are words I don't use often. This is as real as it gets for me and I will fight anyone from crewman to admiral to be with you. But the one person I'm not gonna battle with is you. I want to be with you, do the whole 'relationship thang', cos I think that we could be strong enough. But if you're going to kill this with 'what if's' before we've even got started…"

Tucker trailed off; there was nothing left to say. He waited for a moment, hoping to see some encouragement from Reed, but the lieutenant was looking at his feet and giving nothing away.

Tucker felt like his heart had been through the plasma injectors, but he was proud enough to leave the room before things got really embarrassing. He got up from the bed as quietly as possible, planning to leave without further awkwardness. As he passed by Malcolm, an arm blocked his path and Trip looked across to Reed, a purposefully non committal expression on his face.

Reed lowered his arm slowly, then raised his eyes to look in to Tuckers.

"I prepared myself so well for rejection that I didn't know how to react when you said yes. I can't help being a bit cynical; it's just a part of who I am. Why don't we start this slowly? I love you and…and you love me' here Reed waited for Trip's nod of confirmation, then took a deep breath, 'so, I suppose what I'm asking is.."

"Yes...to whatever question you wanna ask me"

Malcolm smiled at this and allowed himself to be drawn in to a light hug. A slight pressure on the side of Reed's face caused him to turn and his lips were just in the right place to meet Trip's.

Once the kiss ended Malcolm, a little breathless opened his mouth again

"I was only going to ask you to go for coffee with me" but his eyes sparkled as he said it. Trip stepped back and made a mock bow, ushering Malcolm towards the door.

"No time like the present"

A/N does this last bit seem ok, or does it wreck it? I'm always nervous about this kind of thing

WfmS


End file.
